To my non-existing children,
I’ve done a lot of thinking and I’ve come to terms with the fact that I may not wish to have you in the future. When I was a girl, I was so sure I wanted to start a family and one day have you. But as I grew older, I saw the world and discovered more of myself and my passions. I am a wanderer who will forever have the itch to escape from the comforts of home to see the unknown. My lifestyle is one of unpredictability and is absent of monotonous routines. One that’s is adventurous and nomadic. I began doubting whether or not you were what I truly wanted. Initially, I had many fears for you from bad parenting (on my part), to bringing you into a messed up world, to living under a financially insufficient household. But later on, I had fears for myself. Fears of you holding me back, regrets of having a child, having to make sacrifices for you, compromising my career for you, not being able to travel because of you. I began to resent you.
The more I ventured out into the world, the less desire I have for you and the idea of a family. I played with the idea of having a future with no kids and it didn’t seem so bad. Bringing you into the world would require my duties as a parent to carry you for as long as I live. That’s a big responsibility I may not be able to commit to. Society has put so much pressure on women to conceive and raise children. It’s considered fulfilling and meaningful to have a family. I’m not saying it’s untrue. It can be true. But only if one wants it. Because it has changed people in good ways and transforms their lives for better or for worst. If I do not have you, I am labelled in society as selfish. In all honesty, I don’t care what people think. And I don’t find that selfish at all. If I don’t believe in my abilities as being a potential mother and don’t have the heart to have you due to other goals and aspirations, why would that be selfish on my part? We live on this earth to find ourselves. This may sound selfish but it’s true. We also exist only for ourselves. I want to grow to my fullest potential. But I don’t think I can if I have you. I’m scared to bring you into this world where you’re own mother resents you for holding her back and is not the selfless, loving, and nurturing parent that’ll help you grow into a decent human being. I do not wish for that kind of pain to be inflicted upon you.
Troubling childhood experiences have also degraded my desires for a family. Through that experience, I’ve come to understand before you carry a family, do things for yourself. Put yourself before anyone else. You deserve that kind of respect and it’s not at all selfish. Don’t be afraid of what others may think of you. Do what makes you happy. Do what you think is right.
Life is unpredictable and things change. Perhaps we will meet in the future. If I do want to have you, the reason I wish for you to exist will be past obligations, expectations, and pressure and is replaced with a genuine desire to create life with the one I love. So we can guide you. To show you the beauty of our world amidst the darkness. We will teach you many things and raise you to become a good human being. If I do not have you, it is for many reasons. But both scenarios factor in my love for you.
My non-existent child who has not yet (or perhaps will not ever be) been born into this world, for me to bring you into this world even when I do not wish to have a child will bring upon you suffering and to be nurtured in an environment that will compromise your own growth, potential and make you feel unloved or unwanted is selfish and I would failed in my duty as a parent. I do not want that for the both of us. I want nothing more but a good life for you and I.
If you and I can coexist in this world peacefully where we both help each other grow rather than hold each other back, I cannot wait to meet you. But that decision is not ours to make until the distant future.
Your non-existent mother.